I actually thought I would begin blogging and be able to do this regularly, but as is typical for me-Life happens and there is little leisure time for blogging. I don't know what I thought I would blog about, who would want to read it or why I would even want to share my life (such as it has been).
Nevertheless, here I go.
I wanted to share bits of my life and possibly impact someone else.
In the past 5 years my faith has been deeply influenced by many of my Trinity church family members. My "story" does not begin at Trinity Baptist church but I must share how I got there in order for others to see how God moved in my life through his people here on earth.
Growing up in a devout Church of Christ family is something that deeply molded and formed who I was/am. I am thankful that I was brought up with christian influences and by people who cared enough to be faithful attendees of a single church. I do not wish to offend anyone of the COC faith, and I will try to be careful to chose my words accordingly so as not to hurt those I love. Yet, my desire is that even just one person can experience a true relationship with Christ and not a legalistic religion through my inside perspective. I am not on the outside looking in. I am a person who was deeply influenced and deeply hurt by the attitudes and judgments placed on me through my experience in a legalistic church body.
I can not even begin with how I was even given life, survived my childhood having experienced physical abuse, molestation, and drug/alcohol abuse of my mother and step parents...because those are each a story of their own. I would like to begin with the devastation of divorce, the feeling of worthlessness, and the pain of trying to be good enough to "earn" my way into God's grace and the gift of his forgiveness through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I will begin this story with acknowledging my wrong doings. I had grown up "churched" my whole life. I attended Sunday School each and every Sunday as well as Wednesday night services, Vacation Bible School, Gospel Meetings, Bible Bowls, TABS (teen age bible study), church camp, retreats. I was baptized at age 13 on Easter Sunday. It was planned. I knew that when I went to church that morning I was going to go forward and be baptized. There was nothing special in the message that I can recall (and certainly no mention of "Easter" meaning b/c that is simply not acknowledged in COC-it is taught that we should remember daily and not place special emphasis on a date) So, I was not necessarily "drawn" to our savior that morning, I had just decided it was time. I had no idea of what temptations lurked around the corner in my teenage years, but I know that God protected me during those years. I made decisions that were not wise. I rode in cars with people who had been drinking, I cursed because everyone else did, and my first love was an unfaithful, older guy who led me far from the safety of God's arms but never out of his grasp. At 17, I began dating an old boyfriend from 9th & 10th grade, I married him at age 19 and had a daughter at 22. I thought that life was perfect. Married to my high school "sweetheart", a new house, new car, new job...til one phone call confirmed my worst suspicions. In the blink of an eye, it was over. Divorce was NOT acceptable, but we went full speed ahead. I coped with the divorce with knowledge that I had the "right" to remarry because of his unfaithfulness. Approximately 1 year later, I met (at work) a man 10 years older, clean cut, nicely dressed, golfer type...the complete opposite of the typical country boy I was used to. We married about 2 years later.
It didn't take long to realize that I had been lied to, and only 3 months to realize I was expecting. I would now be the mother of 2 while my new husband had year 'round priorities that did not include a wife & children. He was head of girls softball (lining the fields nearly every day, umpiring girls games, and even sometimes boys baseball) in the spring/summer, assistant to middle school football coach which consisted of 2 a day practices (summer & fall) , assistant coach to Boys high school baseball which meant lots of late nights and traveling, coaching a elementary basketball team in the fall and winter...it never ended. Not to mention he liked to golf in his "free" time and the fantasy football, where in the world did a wife and children fit into this man's schedule? Well, after nearly 4 years and in my waivering faith and experience of surviving divorce once before I headed down that road AGAIN. It was so easy this time. It saddens me to think I never once stopped to pray for help, to pray for God's will, to pray for a softer heart, to pray for patience, I just didn't pray. I didn't realize the power of prayer. I didn't ask God to guide me. I just did what I thought was best and easy. Then, in the blink of an eye, within 5 months of my 2nd marriage ending, I made the worst decision of my life. I got married again!!!! I did not pray. I did not seek God's approval or I would have surely been shown not to do this. I say all of that to show that we are created free will beings. We are capable of making choices that seem right to us, but that are NOT in God's will for us. I now know that before I make ANY decision I MUST seek God first. I learned that the hard way. I sat at the table with my pastor to study God's word and present the plan of salvation to my 3rd husband and in those moments the tears began and I realized I had NEVER given my life to christ. Yes, I was baptized many years ago. Yes, I know that God takes our sins away, but I had never freely, willfully given my heart and life to Christ and said...I am yours Lord, have your way with me. But, that night sitting at my kitchen table I surrendered my all to God. I realized what a mess I had made of my life because I was in rebellion even though I was going to church faithfully. I was a church goer not a christian. The sting and pain of divorce are deeply marked on my heart. My prayer is that no one would divorce. I thought that nothing could mess this marriage up, but my 3rd marriage ended in divorce due to his infidelity AGAIN...but, this time...I had the power of prayer to give me strength when I was weak. I meditated on God's word, I crave to have the knowledge of his power, promises and to know his will. My first instinct is to feel worthless, to hang my head in shame because I am a divorced woman. I feel so ashamed sometimes. I wanted marriage to mean forever. I wanted it to be everything God intends marriage to be. I hurt sometimes from the pain of wanting that "married life" again. It has been my prayer for over a year that God would make me okay with being alone the rest of my life. I know God has worked in my heart this past year and a half. I know he showed me that I must depend on God alone and not man. I know that God hates divorce. I know it is against his will. I know that God wants what is best for our lives and that all the after shocks of divorce are lasting. Memories of lost love, sharing children, broken homes, broken dreams, broken hearts, are what he wants to protect us from. Marriage is intended for one man and one woman with Christ as the head of that union. No man should destroy what God has put together. I have slowly come to learn that we sin daily whether it is "big" or "small" ways (which in God's eyes...sin is sin and there is no measure), we can not ever be good enough to earn our way to heaven. For most of my life I have believed I had to earn my way, I needed to be righteous enough and only now since I have searched the scriptures do I know that he forgives freely, we sin daily and he loves us anyways. Who are we to think we can sin more than Christ's blood can cleanse us from? Thank you Lord for all you have protected me from, from all you allowed me to experience, and for your faithfulness and LOVE. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases".
